Song of Life
by Ellesemera
Summary: To love and all it entails: Family, dirty nappies and... lots of accidents. Oh well, he did sign up for it.


**Song of Life**

* * *

He was far too old for her.

He could just imagine the ridiculously horrified looks her family and friends would throw at him.

He scratched the top of his head.

_Damn it. _

_Eloping would have been nicer._

_Damn Hermione for leading him into this. _

_Damn the blasted idiots who first cooked up this idea of marriage._

He gazed solemnly at the stupid _bow-tie_ he had been forced to don for the occasion. It clashed terribly with his slick and long hair. Hermione had literally squealed in delight when she had first seen him attired with a _bow-tie_.

'_You look wonderful, darling'_, she had said and had patted him on the head like he was a four year old.

She had positively _'beamed'_ at him.

The woman had to be stupid.

There was no other explanation for it.

No one could look at him twice and call him handsome.

_Grotesque, yes. _

_Ugly, undoubtedly. _

He had even been the recipient of some choicest _'ewws'_ from the female population during his days of youth.

But this… he was utterly unfamiliar to this.

He sighed audibly and eyed her orange cat.

The beast eyed him with an equal amount of hostility. There was no love lost between the two males vying for Hermione's affection.

"Run along, now," he snarled at the riotous fur ball and crossed his arms. To his dismay, the cat simply ignored him and climbed the armchair that rested opposite to him.

He could swear he saw the cat smirk at his bow tie.

* * *

_Splash!_

_What the hell!_

He stumbled, his foot caught rather comically in the bucket full of water laid out in the doorway, and had to grab at one of Hermione's favourite _curtains_ to catch himself.

_Really, now._

When he had agreed to having… _a child_, he hadn't signed up for _this._

He had known that brats were usually _useless…_

But Hermione… In all her glory, she had swooped down on him and badgered him about _'little Severuses and tiny Hermiones_' until he had relented.

And he had ended up with... _this._

He eyed the pink bucket with some malice.

It was Regina again.

She had a knack for leaving things about even after he had expressly forbidden her from annoying him. She'd never learn. She always had her _Mommy _to side with her whenever he tried to discipline her.

_You'll scare her, Severus. Be reasonable, your brand of disciplining reduces people to tears, _Hermione had admonished him. She was right, though. An oddly stupid smile crossed his thin lips as he gazed into space, fondly remembering the days at Hogwarts when he used to terrorize the student body with a mere raised eyebrow.

Longbottom would usually pick up his rear end and run as far and fast as he could at the first sign of the resident Potions Master.

But gone were _those_ days.

He looked moodily at the drenched pants and the pink riot encompassing them.

Now… he was a _father_.

He sighed and waved his wand, obliterating any signs of existence of the little tumbler.

He knew Regina would whine about her lost bucket.

_Serves her right, not listening to Daddy and hiding behind Mommy's skirts all the time. _

He could have his moments of revenge.

Sadly, there were too few and too far in between.

* * *

"Not _another,_ Hermione," he groaned and repeatedly hit his head against the wall while Hermione brushed her hair absently, unmindful of the sorrowful, wounded, puppy like look her husband gave her.

She did not seem to notice the repetitive thumping of head against the wall, either.

"Oh, Severus…" she chirped. Merlin, was she a daft _bird?_ "It's been so long. Regina's almost five. I think it would be wonderful to have another pair of tiny feet wobbling around the house…"

He glared darkly at the back of her head.

_As long as the tiny wobbling feet do not trample all over me…_

A frightening suspicion crossed his sharp mind just then.

_The little minx._

"You're already pregnant, aren't you?" he asked accusingly and crossed his arms.

At this, she stilled. She turned around and beamed at him with that ridiculously loving expression on her face.

_What was it with women and adoration?_

Her wide smile appeared like a hanger had been stuck in her mouth.

_That_ confirmed it.

He was officially _dead._

"I stopped using protection a month ago, I didn't think you would mind," she twittered and threw her arms around him, squeezing his already sensitive neck rather painfully. _Gods, was he choking?_ "The healer confirmed it today. I'm with twins."

Yep, he was _dead._

* * *

He smelled worse than hippogriff poop.

He picked up the discarded nappy with a foot long stick and threw it into the waste bin.

Hermione was out tending to some _Ministry business_ and since he was _always_ at home, owing to the private Potions business he ran, he was granted the privilege of taking care of the twins every single time she was out.

_Hmph._

He glared at the twin blobs that lay on the changing table and sighed.

This was the worst part of being a parent.

_Shovelling shit._

He shook his head as the first blob let out a squeak of delight at being cleaned and powdered over its tiny buttocks. He rolled his eyes at the tiny creature's incoherent babble.

_Did he really sire this mass of… unintelligence?_

_But they do get smarter with age_, Hermione had said.

Regina _had_, he grimaced.

The little girl, now six, was the terror of her father's heart.

She would devise the most exquisite means of torturing him.

Hermione called it her playfulness.

He called it _the Plague._

Only yesterday, he had fallen twice over the same pair of skates she used to travel around the house.

And then, she had stood grinning like an idiot for about half an hour as he applied the healing balm over his bruised backside.

He patted the other blob dry and stuck a nipple shaped toy into its mouth.

_Huh._

He had enjoyed grounding her though.

Of course, her trembling lower lip when he had roared in frenzy had pacified him a bit. He had been forced to take back his harsh words and the punishment.

Now that he contemplated it again, the child had outsmarted him.

Again.

He made a resolve as he scooped up the two toddlers, one in each arm and put them into their cribs.

He would not give in to Regina's _trembling lower lips._

He'd be _firm_, damn it.

He'd show her, he'd show them…

He was an ex-Death Eater, for Merlin's sake.

"Is evwything alright, Daddy?"

"Huh?"

She had crept into the twins' room to pinch them, he was sure.

_Be firm_.

"Of course, dear." He grimaced in self-loathing as his harsh voice cooed over his daughter. He was almost as bad as Hermione. "Don't you have your friends over for party today?"

The reluctant, sly look in his daughter's black eyes confirmed it.

The friends were _screwed._

"I… they…" She shuffled her tiny feet and gave him that deceptively innocent look.

_Yep, they were screwed. _

Hopefully, she wouldn't have turned them into something unnatural.

He sighed as he caught her tiny hand in his firm grip and shut the door behind him.

He suppressed a deep breath of relief as soon as his gaze fell upon the four bunnies galloping around their drawing room.

_Nothing too bad then._

* * *

"It is our anniversary, Severus. Don't look so petulant," Hermione snapped at him good-naturedly and raised her wineglass to him.

"I had to leave my research to come here for _dinner_, Hermione. My _precious _research our children would most certainly sabotage if they get around their baby-sitter," he retorted. "I don't see why we could not have had dinner at our home."

Hermione rolled her eyes at him.

"It's nice to get outside, Severus."

"We have an outside in our home. It's called the _garden._"

"It's nice to get away from it all sometimes," she replied as she looked over the menu.

He glared moodily at the glass of water in front of them.

"The children might be hungry."

"The baby-sitter has instructions to feed them."

"They might set themselves on fire."

"She has a thick water hose."

"They might fall off my broom and by the time we reach them…" He shuddered visibly.

"I locked the broom in the basement. There is no way that they might be able to subvert my protective charms.

Severus made a face and played with the food in his plate.

"They might be run over."

Hermione threw him a look of incredulity.

"In the _house,_ Severus?"

"No, not in the _house,"_ he snapped. "They might get out and there are lots of cars in the street these days…"

She blinked.

"_Enough, Severus_!" she hissed at him. That drew the attention of fellow diners to their table. "Our _children _are fine. _We_ are fine. Now we are going to have a nice, quiet _dinner_ here and enjoy a _romantic s_troll outside before we go home. Now quit being so darned foolish about it and act your age, for God's sake!"

Severus looked at her flushed countenance with wide eyes and nodded slowly.

He still felt a bit… _bereaved t_hough. He hardly left them alone. They were always within a minute's distance.

But he supposed he owed it to her to make the evening romantic.

_You didn't have your tenth anniversary every day._

Slowly, he leaned over the table and caught Hermione's hand in his reassuring grip. She smiled softly at him.

"Why do you love them so much, Severus?" she asked as he brought her hand close to his lips and brushed her satin soft skin against them.

"Because… to love my family any less than whole, any less than with my entire heart and soul… would be an unpardonable crime…"

There was that ridiculous beam again.

The insufferable smile.

Of love.

Love.

* * *

This was my first shot at humour and I must admit my reluctance and inability to crystallize ordinary into comic.

I'd be glad if you told me what you thought of this little fic.


End file.
